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GUEST POST: ‘Miss Independent’ Can Be ‘Mrs. Dependent’ Too!

QUICK NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Ladies and gents, I hope you are sitting down for this one, because this topic is soooo good, I read it like 5 times already – for real! I know relationships and dominance is a touchy topic, but guest blogger, Auketria Manor, knew exactly which key points to touch. As always, you are welcome to give any feedback…we take it all. If you want to add anything or just simply share your wisdom, we are an open forum blog so you are free to do that. Enough of my babble, let’s get into this post! Here we go – in 3..2…1:

This post contains affiliate which helps to keep this blog a well-oiled machine. 

Miss Independence and Mrs. Dependent

The Science of Being an Independently Dependent Woman 

[Cues the music] “I’m tired of screaming independent, I want to start depending on you.”

If there was ever a one-liner in a song that I would sing as if I’m the one in concert as opposed to the artist, it was this one! One of my favorite tracks from Mary J. Blige’s Growing Pains album, released in 2007, was Feel Like a Woman. On the other hand, we have the highly popular Miss Independent by Neyo who praises the woman,“who’s got her own thing” and you bounce to the beat because you can relate to the lyrics because, well, you’ve got your own things.

In such a modern world where the number of desirable women outnumber the count of desirable men, it seems as if there is a fine line between “Miss Independent” and “Mrs. I Can Depend on You Too.” Do men still desire to be providers, leaders in relationships in a society where women are dominating the college graduation rates as well as the owning of small businesses? And do we as women still want them to be?

Surely I am not objective to a woman achieving personal goals of any kind – be it educational, entrepreneurial, working hard to advance in her career, property investment, philanthropically or otherwise; even I have goals that I too am in pursuit of. But I have heard (I know, I know, it’s such hearsay) some say that a woman thriving in so many areas of leading hardens her and chips away at the soft nurturing essence of her natural make up. The implication here is that a woman gains a bit of masculinity and loses some femininity with this path therefore molding her into too much dominance impacting a successful relationship not so favorably. I do not totally agree but perhaps there is some validity to that theory. I know I am not the only one who has overheard men conversing about this very topic from two completely different angles. You have those guys who feel like,“man, she’s too independent, she doesn’t even need a man” and then there is the group of guys who voice, “man, if she can’t bring something to the table and don’t have such-n-such going for herself, then it’s a no go”. Maybe not these words specifically, but you get where I’m going with this.

As my grandmother used to say, “it is almost as if you have six in one hand and half a dozen in the other.” In others words, you’re darned if you do, darned if you don’t. What if I told you I have witnessed both variations of this theory? I have had a second row seat (seriously no one is allowing front row seats to their relationship, okay!) to a relationship where both parties thrived in their own right and yet the wife is just as gentle as a dove at home who still trusts and even depends on her husband to lead and provide. Of course her resources contribute to the overall functioning of their home, but she has confidence in her husband fully to handle business for their home like the man or leader that he is. She respects him and he celebrates her. This is the part of the theory where some of my semi-traditional and faith kick in. Then, there is the relationship where the guy works outside of the home and the wife who used to work is now a homemaker. He adores her and enjoys being the sole provider of their home because their arrangement is what works best for them at this time.

In spite of every other thing that I have a hand in, at the end of a hard working day, I would rather fall into the protecting arms of THEE man of my house instead of carrying whatever dominance that is required of me in all of my other ventures into our safe haven – the home. Do I think it takes a confident and personally satisfied man to appreciate the gift of a woman of such independence and strength? ABSOLUTELY. Remember now, there was a time when the norm was that the husband went out to get the bread and the wife held down the fort until he brought the bread back for her to toast it. Egos weren’t a major factor because that was the familial structure once upon a time. The wife was not sitting in one board room while her husband was across town in another. However, today that’s exactly where she is. She’s sitting in board rooms, running non-profits in her spare time, raising their children and still finding room to spend quality time with her husband. Miss Independent can most certainly be Mrs. Dependent too!

Now some of us are independent by choice, force, trend or trade, but we are and it is okay. And even though we are, we still know how to be gentle, feminine, nurturing and soft. Now please be advised, this by no means says that we will be dumbing down our intellect, appreciation for healthy debates, wine tastings, art viewings, accomplishments (but we won’t gloat) and philosophical views in order to quietly stroke egos. Besides, a woman of such caliber is not in competition with her man. Truth be told she is a compliment to him, and if he’s smart he actually appreciates that.

Until next time, be independently dependent upon your beaux!

Auketria Manor

Hair/Relationships Blogger
Auketria is a full time working mom and author with a passion for hair care and modern relationships. When she’s not contributing, she’s working on her new book!

MISSION STATEMENT: “Aiming to bring readers the latest in haircare & hair styling trends while provoking fun-healthy debates about your favorite relationship topics .”

Get a copy of my book: Catching Feelings

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Veronica Green
Entertainment addict - yes! Celebrity gossip - NO! I blog about all things entertainment and lifestyle , which includes, but not limited to: new music, movies, TV shows, books, parenting, food, finance tips, etc. Blog Xpressions caters to and celebrates women! We like to empower, educate and enrich lives!
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8 thoughts on “GUEST POST: ‘Miss Independent’ Can Be ‘Mrs. Dependent’ Too!

  1. This is an absolutely wonderful take on the topic at hand. I remember the days when the man/husband was the one who brought home the bacon and he loved it because when he came home he was well taken care of! We live in a world today where the roles are pretty much reversed and that is not how it is supposed to be! Thank you Auketria for that outstanding Xpression it was so enlightening!

    1. This is so true Chris! I certainly remember my days as a little girl, my granddad worked and my grandmother kept the house so clean you were scared to move and dinner was prepared at the same time everyday. But even she had a sense of independence about herself that I grew to love and admire. But she was adamant about making home a peaceful place of escape for her mate. Priceless!

  2. Great post! I think it’s encoded in a man’s DNA to want to provide for the woman, to hunt & gather, to provide stability and give her everything that she desires. That’s who they are. But if you as woman don’t allow him to be that for you because you’re so busy trying to be so independent saying “I don’t need you, I can do this on my own” then there’s no reason for him to be with you. Men need a sense of purpose to prove they’re your knight in shining armour. It seems to me that most women in today’s society use the term being independent loosely; not as a term of empowerment, but as an idea in order protect themselves from feeling vulnerable.
    Listen ladies, you don’t have to give up your dependency for your desire to depend on someone. Dependence just simply means you are willing to trust. If you find someone that you’re willing to take that journey with, then do whatever it takes to protect the sanctity of your relationship, be supportive to one another through the tough times and have faith in the process. You don’t have to do it alone. Be with someone who you are willing to depend on and go through those obstacles with. I remember when I was younger, I was in a relationship with an awesome guy with a nice paying job and life was perfect. But then, after a while he was laid off and things changed. I had to take on more of a dominant role as the provider, but even after him being laid off from his job, he was still secure within himself in the non-traditional approach to do everything necessary to take care of the household. I came home to a clean home, he picked my kids up from school with their homework done, dinner cooked, & a hot bubble bath and glass of merlot ready when I walked through the door. What more could you ask for, right? Whatever I needed for him to do, it was done. At the time, it forced me to work more hours than I anticipated, until he could get back on his feet. Unfortunately, I was young, I had the mind state thinking “Well, if he’s not contributing nothing, then what do I need him for? I could do this on my own. I can do bad all by myself”. My sense of immature thinking of wanting to be so “independent” and thinking I didn’t need anyone, may have clouded my judgement of a really great & loyal person, ultimately isolating myself unknowingly. I remember when I broke up with him. He was devastated to the point of tears. As I’m thinking about it, I may have let a good one slip through my fingers. Now I heard he has a better job that he did before and found another woman that he’s happy with and is now engaged. Now I realize how invaluable it is having a helpmate that was willing take a step down from the dominant role, doing all the things that most women say that they don’t feel appreciated for. In hindsight my insecurity and adopting the “independent woman” philosophy, made me wonder if my so called independence caused me to lose sight of the things that mattered most.
    If you really study the word independent, it could also mean isolated or separated from. Ironically the word divorce stems from that same ideology. As I’ve gotten older and a bit wiser, I’m very selective of the way I use the phrase, because there really is a fine line between “Miss Independent” and “Mrs. I Can Depend on You Too.” Now I use the term “independent” as a term of empowerment, strength, and individuality. But I also use the term dependence as a term of elegance, style and grace. To me, being independent simply means knowing who you are, trusting in yourself to make the best decisions that reflect your morals and ideals, not only for you, but for the one you love. Because once you know who you are, there will be no need for creating a competition with your mate. You’ll both start to realize that you’re on the same team, working towards the same objective. Please don’t become so independent that you isolate yourself from one another. Learn from my mistakes. It’s okay to be independent, but also remember there is beauty in wanting and needing to depend on someone every once in a while. Be true to yourself but also remember to be dependent on each other.

    1. Jennifer thank you for your feedback! You make such a significant point that independence in regard to empowerment is truly healthy but is too often declared in a manner that implies that the man is not a necessity. Your story offers some take-aways that will surely resonate with other readers as it has with me. We’ve got to allow men to lead, feel needed & certainly feel supported when they feel they are not “winning”. Thank you so much for sharing & we hope you’ll be back to check out future posts!

      1. Most certainly Auketria! Thank you for inspiring me with such a great topic! I really don’t comment and share on forums and blogs but this really hit home for me. Now that you’ve had me spill my guts:), maybe you can help me out with something. I’d like to get your opinion.
        I was recently invited to a small social gathering with some close friends, and there’s a 99.9% chance that the ex that I was telling you about will be there since we have the same group of friends, and I know it may be a little awkward, because we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in years. I’m so nervous. What do you think I should do?
        One side of me wants to be the “independent woman” and address the elephant in the room and tell him how I feel before he gets married, (because there may never be another opportunity)…..and there’s the other side of me that just wants to just let it go and say “oh well” because I want him to be happy because he deserves it. My question is…..
        Is it worth really worth fighting for someone you love, or should I just love him enough to let him go be happy with someone else??
        If you were in my shoes what would you do?

        1. I have a two-fold answer followed by a question. Having the same circle of friends is something that you can’t help unless you’re ready to foster new friendships who aren’t familiar or friends with your ex. But since as of right now you have the same social circle don’t deny yourself an putting with people you love because of the former relationship. Go to the social gathering if you know that you will be able to enjoy yourself without feeling uncomfortable. I’ll be transparent, I’ve inly REALLY loved 3 times in my life & there’s one whom I still love. I was very close friends with a lady who was tied to this person & she & I knew one another first. I missed her birthday party one year because I knew I would not be ready to see him with the woman he was dating at the time. She was disappointed but we got passed it. So also bare in mind if it’s not a significant gathering feel free to send your regrets if your heart is not ready to deal with his new reality in person.

          Telling him how you feel may be okay if it is in the form of an apology for how you hurt him when he was going through his season of struggle. I actually applaud you for considering doing this. I think fighting for the one you love is great as long as the one you’re fighting for is not spoken for. His engagement says he’s spoken for so this may not be the best time to fight. That’s just my humble opinion, I’d love him enough to let him be happy.

          My question is telling him how you feel, would this be an attempt to win him back?

  3. Thanks for being so honest & transparent. Trust me I’ve considered ALL options. It’s a wedding so I don’t think I can side step this one. If you have any good excuses please let me know so I can use it. Lol. I know that I have to respect boundaries, I would never want another woman to cross the line if I were in the same position. So I understand that element. If he decides to brings his fiancé there with him I may have to just keep it cordial with a simple “hello, how ya been?” and keep it moving until fate presents us with the perfect opportunity to have that type of intimate discussion. Our friends are always saying he got engaged just to get his mind off of me (because he proposed only after 6 months of knowing her). I wish that were the case but who am I to judge. I don’t know if it’ll ever be the right time but feel like after 7 years of being together and sharing our deepest secrets to one another, we have a strong enough history to talk about life as adults and let the chips fall where they may. You ask is this an attempt at winning him back? I really don’t know…..I know there is no doubt that we still love each other til this day.I know my passion of words and years of emotions and may overtake me. I don’t want my words to cause confusion or trouble in his new relationship. That’s why I don’t think it’s a good idea or environment to even bring it up unless he leads the conversation that way. My intentions is to apologize, because I know I shouldn’t have let something so simple tear us apart. I just want to free ourselves from the emotional attachment of one another because we’ve never really had the opportunity to say our proper goodbyes. I guess I’ve always kept that door open hoping that one day God would bring us together again. Even though deep in my heart I can’t deny the fact I do wish he comes back home, I really just want to wish him well so he can give 100% of himself to his fiancé so that he can have a chance to start his own family, so he can be happy and live happily ever after…..

    1. Based on our dialogue I think you are a woman of wisdom so I know that you will go about this in the best way possible for yourself without crossing boundaries with him like you mentioned. And whether you get an opportunity to apologize or not be sure to forgive yourself for the choice you made because sometimes our own guilt keeps us from moving forward. I certainly wish you all the best Jennifer!

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