There was a time in my life that I can recall when dating was interesting, adventurous, vibrant, somewhat honest, and fun! I had no preconceived notions about what would be between myself and a person at the end of a 3 or 6 month span. Instead, I was okay with dating a guy to determine if we were even one another’s cup of tea. In my twenties, I found myself having an extremely low tolerance of any type of bull, I was resilient! Now, I may have been a little too swift to end dating relationships for a lack of wisdom or just finding something that I didn’t like about someone, but in some cases, I just simply knew if I needed to save myself as well as the other person some time and move on from something that I clearly knew was not working.
By the age of 25, I had been married, birthed two spectacular children and separated from their father, eventually divorcing. Not in that exact order, however. But, please, don’t cry for me. He and I have matured and get along perfectly fine most of the time; for example, I crack jokes about his ever growing bald spot and he hits back at the fact that I am no longer my high school waist size. I’m not even going to mention his waist size – LOL! But, the point is, we try to co-parent and regardless to our irresponsible choices while married, our babies see that their parents co-exist, even if we disagree it doesn’t have to be a blown out argument. I also understand marriage and divorce far differently now that I have a clearer understanding of God’s word (but that’s for another blog post that I just might write). Now back to my tolerance; I don’t have any as of today – I just don’t.
What I will not do is type and pretend like I have not had to heal from the brokenness that was either caused by someone or even caused by me for foolishly putting up with blatant losers (if you are an ex and you are reading this and know you’re not at least 75% loser, get out yo feelings). Yes ladies, admit that once in your life you may have dealt with a guy that you knew darn well your grandmother would have whipped your behind had she known how far you had lowered your bar. If you have not, I am so proud of you! Gentlemen, you may have been foolish behind a lady or two yourself so our hugs are here for you as well.
With an adolescent and a ten year old in the home, the whole process has become more complicated than I care to keep dealing with. For instance, they get used to a routine of having all of my free time aside from my reserved “me” time. It is like they can almost predict the sequence of events of my day and then suddenly they start noticing small changes if I dare start dating. My phone begins to light up a bit more, I go out with a “friend” who has no name or gender because I neither want to lie to them or even give a clue that I am going out with a guy because then they become too curious too soon and even start to have expectations. I would much rather be disappointed single handedly than for my beloved children to be disappointed ever again.
I even went through that awful phase of feeling the pressures of not being married and was just purposely overlooking red flags. Here I stand to tell everyone who will listen – God will not withhold any good thing from you! Dwell on that one statement the next moment you begin accepting things that you know are beneath you and what you truly deserve. So with these things being said, I find myself without any reasonable measure of tolerance for the entire dating process. When I consider the activities of my babies (who are both taller than me by the way, but they’ll always be my babies) that are consuming my time, I don’t feel like making time to sit at dinner or on the phone talking about my aspirations, why my marriage didn’t work, my hobbies or listening to the same topics from the person across the table only for a few months to pass and I find out this person is either sharing only the representative of himself, is dating two other women, creeps into other people’s inboxes for friendly chatter, is a commitment-phobic but doesn’t know it, or has a whole girlfriend but won’t claim her in hopes of keeping a variety team on the side. Geesh!
I mean seriously, I know for a fact that there are some men and women in the universe who have the highest level of integrity and do not fall into the areas in which I described, your parents not only raised you well, you actually took heed ☺. However, with these experiences dancing on my recollection, I have purposely NOT made time for adventures in dating. But, in the meantime, what I have been making time for is enjoying my life! I have been told in the past that I definitely needed to find balance to not only be a committed mother but to take time to take good care of myself whether it’s time alone getting pampered or actually going to the events that I am invited to. I do now though! LOL!
Yes, I was the lady whose idea of having a great time was attending my son’s football games, watching my daughter cheer or just being with them. But I also realize that those same two people will become adults and lead their own lives outside of me. This reality has helped me to find that balance. They are so used to being glued to my hip that now when I am out with my own peers, they have the nerve to blow my phone up: “mama, when are you coming back?” “how much longer will you be?”. When she’s out with friends or he’s on a play-date, I do not inundate them with frequent calls and messages and guess what? I am the furthest person from their minds during those times – go figure.
Companionship is important to the majority of us in the universe but be ready for the process. Now that I have taken some time and pondered, I have come up with a couple of ways to get around some of the generic steps that happen in the first little phase of dating.
Tip #1. Go to a game! There’s nothing like going to a basketball or football game to support a team that you both have a common interest in. It’s no pressure and as long as both parties are down to earth, this should make for an eventful outing. You may even see how the person reacts when his/her team is losing.
Tip #2. Try a cooking class together. Next thing you know you guys get lost in family recipes versus what happened with the last person (I’ve learned that such a topic can wait)
Tip #3. Even go bowling. If you two can compete in a sport with one another and still like each other after one loses and the other wins then you’ve just had a good time without the generics and might just go on a second date.
And I couldn’t leave this blog without sharing a few descriptive factors on how to identify if you are dealing with a loser ladies and gents.
Tip #4. Your person is dishonest. A person who lies is just untrustworthy period. Who sits around and lies for recreation? Creepy…
Tip #5. A person who has nothing but adverse things to say about their exes (this should caution you because how many people do you know are the victim in every relationship that they’ve had? Nope, something in the water “ain’t” clear.
Tip #6. Someone who uses your past mistakes to their advantage
Tip #7. All of the other more common reasons that you already know of that qualifies your love interest as a loser so keep it moving.
Please share some ways that you know can alter the boring routine of the dating process.
Happy Dating, guys!