Once upon a time, my expectation of love was based on admirable relationships that I had the pleasure to be exposed to, both closely and from afar.
For the strangest reason, it never dawned on me that I was on the outside looking in and speculating on the perfection or any other dynamic about those relationships was short of wisdom.
There was also this aspect of it that derived long ago from unrealistic movies and television, the idea of having a partner more than what goes into it and, well, the notion that having a devoted significant other was some sort of validation, achievement or an induction into a high society. Now being divorced for more than 10 years and having some dating thereafter under my belt, I view things more clearly and realistically on the topic of love and companionship.
Something that is far too common, broken people are entering into relationships with the perspective that their mate is going to help mend the pieces. Surely, no two people are perfect and I believe everyone comes with something, but unaddressed brokenness with the pressure on the other party to “fix” is asking not only a lot, but asking the impossible.
Another common place in dating or the intent behind dating is need.
A good male friend of mine, who is no longer married, was later pursued reconciliation by his former wife but opted not to restore the union. When I asked him why he said, “don’t be with someone who needs you, be with someone who wants you.” (That was a word right there!) He says: “I believe in a certain measure of need when it comes to relationships but those needs should not be solely related to financial gain or other material values. I think we should “need” things from our partner that aren’t tangible in essence, like affection, moral and emotional support, understanding, prayer partner and loyalty to name a few.”
Like many of you have, I’ve heard the statements that folks aren’t out here looking for love, they’re looking for help. In case you are not privy, individuals are linking up for the come-up, stability, the network and more.
But let me disclose this disclaimer and you all might crucify me (so what, I won’t be the first or last person to be), but I do feel it is important to note that who you commit to is a reflection of you and it directly connects you to patterns, a network, and family that you appreciate or that you’d rather not tell folk about, credit, fiscal responsibility and most importantly spiritual increase or decrease. Okay? Okay.
In other words, you should be equally yoked and should have more than love to solidify your commitment to one another which is exactly where I am going with this write-up. But please make no mistake, it is relationship suicide to commit to someone where a genuine love for your person is absent and you’re just looking for gain – you’ll be miserable, period.
First, let me say that love is most certainly an action word. The dictionary describes love as “an intense feeling of deep affection.” That’s cool and all but this is what 1 Corinthians 13:3-8 says about it:
3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails…”
Now THAT is the foundation of love in all of our relationships. To some, it might be debatable, but that’s where I stand on it. When there is an authentic love and concern for your mate, your parents, your children, your friends you move differently in those relationships because it’s not all about you.
Let me get back on topic because I am talking about romantic relationships right now. From some things I’ve seen over the years and other things I’ve learned, I decided to list scenarios amongst other relatable moments that reflect love and not this new age image of love that we see floating around the internet or anywhere else:
